First, I need to share with you why I am pushed to write this. Today I saw a child get spanked over a toy. We visited a home of my daughters friend we had not been to before. It is a nice family and wonderful kids. What first got my attention when we walked in was the amount of toys they had. Their DVD collection started at the doorway and had to be at least 500 DVDs. From there, was the toy kitchen set. For whatever reason, they had two. Following that were multiple little people doll houses and buildings that trailed all the way down the hallway to the bedrooms where the daughters room was adorned with several more dollhouses and a large American girl doll set. When I scanned her room, I counted at least 1000 pieces of toys just in her room alone. The house was not messy by any means. In fact, all of the toys were arranged very nicely (by mom is my guess) and clean. The children had shelves and boxes specific for holding their collections of toys. Even with that, I felt overwhelmed.
Here's what actually got my attention. At one point my daughter had a toy in her hand. Immediately her friend wanted that one solo piece of toy back. Surprise. Surprise. It was suddenly the most special toy out of thousands of other toys in the house. I realized in the middle of their spat it was a brand new toy she had just gotten for her birthday the day before. Before I had a chance to intervene and ask my daughter to return it, the father picked up the daughter and took her into another room to spank her for not sharing (more specifically for not listening to him when he told her to share, but I doubt she understood that).
I was in shock. First, you must know we are a no-spank house. Second, I just felt there were so many other ways we could have resolved this. Once she was spanked and returned red faced with tears, the rest of the day was not so fun. She was so humiliated she could not enjoy the rest of the time we were there, not to mention my daughter was now the source and cause of her spanking. My daughter who has never been spanked knew something had happened but wasn't sure what. But guess what? Surprise. Surprise. They resumed their spat over the exact same toy. The spanking did nothing to resolve this. This time I intervened before the dad had the chance to take his daughter away for another spank. I stood in the hallway and calmly talked to both of the girls and listened to the friend's side. Her face still flushed with tears and frustration. She felt the item wasn't being respected by daughter and wanted to put it away. As soon as I explained to my daughter that this was a brand new special toy that was a birthday gift and her friend was not ready to share it yet, she immediately understood and handed the toy over. The dad stood in the hallway a bit bewildered, unsure of what just happened.
When we left, it really bothered me to the core that a child was spanked over something so materialistic as a toy. And I pondered this a lot on the drive home. I thought about it as I made dinner. I thought about it more as I tucked my daughter into bed. And the more I thought about it. The more it bothered me. If I were to spank... if we were to be a spanking house hold, I would hope that it would be reserved for real issues. Terrible issues that deserve physical punishment. Like kicking the house cat so hard she has to be hospitalized. Or maybe because a baseball bat was taken to the neighbor's mail box. Or maybe catching your sister's hair on fire because you were playing with matches. Those kinds of issues. Not over plastic toys or material items. Items that mean absolutely nothing. Not when family and people are supposed to be elevated above stuff.
But If I was to Be Completely Honest With Myself....
Now before this becomes a parent bashing blog of parents who spank everywhere, I have to be completely brutally honest. Here is the real reason why the spanking incident bothered me.Because even though in our house we don't spank, it was not that long ago that my daughter was also tear-stained, red faced and humiliated and I myself was angry, near tears and red faced as well becauseI elevated stuff above her. While I may have never spanked her over toys, there was a time I once battled with her over room being clean, or more precisely... Not being clean. There was a time I yelled, gave time outs and more if I found a toy abandoned on the floor, chewed by the dog, broken or just generally disrespected. But if I was to be brazenly honest, I created that situation and completely set my daughter up for failure. I repeat, I set my daughter up for failure. Me. This is the core of why the spanking bothered me, I was not that much different as the spanking parent once.... Now that I've shifted mentally, I'm seeing things a new light and I am realizing how we as parents are doing it all wrong simply by focusing on the wrong things and making things such as toys and stuff, the higher value. Choosing toys and their personal sanctuary as the battle field for power struggles.
Our Story....
About a year ago, I started the process of removing excess toys out of our daughters room. It started out challenging at first but over time I found ways to inspire and empower our daughter rather than make her feel punished. Our first initial clean out of her room was admittedly the result of a breakdown on my part. I woke up one Saturday morning and attempted to walk through her room and was stabbed in the bottom of my foot by one of her toys. It was the plastic hand of some mini doll that most likely snuck into the house through a happy meal. I actually hollered like a walrus in pain. It hurt that bad. My daughter felt terrible and attempted to keep her room clean for the duration of the week. She dutifully donned her doctor outfit on each time we checked the bandage on my foot. I limped around for nearly five days and it was much more painful than I had anticipated. I used every limp to try to make her feel guilty but she successfully tuned me out. Apparently, their amphibian brain parts doesn't allow them have empathy until they are 25 years old now. The following weekend her room was a mess again. And I was done. We had our first big clean out the following Saturday. She was fairly upset and in tears and I was angry, holding her responsible for the mess. My husband monitored the whole affair acting as a mutual mediator between us and reassuring her that everything that was going out the door was in fact going into the garage. I was angry, enraged and lectured her the entire time. I wish I knew then what I know now and what I'm about to share with you....
I now realize that expecting a child to manage 1500 toys is cruel....
This is something I didn't realize until we had pared down her toy collection to less than 50 items. Your first thought is probably that your own child doesn't have 1500 toys and you may be right. However, if you add up the average train set (about 200 pieces), the average doll house set (about 100 pieces), then Legos (about 300 pieces), and the average number of books, DVDs, video games, pens and crayons they have.... you probably haven't even tapped into a fraction of the average child's toy collection. When I look back on it now, I feel terrible for all the time we spent fighting over her room.
She can now clean her room in less than ten minutes....
Yes, by herself. Before she would fight me tooth and nail each time I sailed into her room for cleaning day. You know the drill. We have all been through it. You try the famous "clean up, clean up" song that you hear every preschool or kindergarten teacher using and it seems to work better than the pied piper song. Every kid flocks in to help her. Yet, in your home, your child hears the song and gears up for a fight. Whining, resistance and strikes ensues. Or they may be just like how my child used to be and simply go limp on the floor. Unresponsive, unable to even hear you speaking. Paring down the belongings in her rooms has been surprisingly positive in so many areas of our life. She now has higher self esteem, more confidence and is not overwhelmed by the idea of keeping her room cleaned. She has a sense of accomplishment and pride she did not have before with her bedroom. It feels truly hers. Not just some space I randomly filled with items she didn't even really ask for.
We like each other more than ever before.....
Our parent-relationship has changed. But more than that, we no longer have violatile stand offs over the piles of toys in her room. As a result, our relationship has improved. I no longer feel like I'm failing as a mother because I can't train her to manage her mountains of toys and she no longer feels like faking epileptic seizures when it is time to clean her room. I'm no longer tired, stressed, bitter becaus I had to go through yet again and clean everything up while she lay limp like a starfish on the floor. Less yelling and frustration on my part has resulted in a child who knows she's loved by her parents.
I no longer hold double standards......
Further, minimalising her room has inspired me to do the same with the rest of our house. I am still working on this admittedly. Each week, something goes out the door to goodwill or the dump. But each time we pare down, the peace and (real) goodwill goes up in our home. Because I am cleaning less and she is able to manage her own room much more easily, we are now actually enjoying the other chores. You know, the ones we never have time for.... Baking, cooking, gardening, and all the other Martha Stewart craft things you want to do but never have time for. Well guess what, when you have less stuff, you magically have more time.
My actions affect how my husband parents too....
My husband can now keep the home clean as well. Before he would do his own grown up version of fake epileptic seizures and sneak outside to do a task in the yard. And he was a terrible role model for his daughter as a result. Or so I thought. This is what I told myself. Now, he can walk around and clean up the living in less than 30 paces. I had the realization one day that every single item that is in our home is there because of me. All those doo-dads and gadgets and every little shabby chic decoration is because of me. All of our daughter's toys, all the clothes, all the books, EVERYTHING is there because of me. Before he married me, my husband was a true minimalist. Everything he owned he could fit into a car. He likely had less than 100 items, 20 year later he now had 50,000 items thanks to me. Once I started minimalising myself (after it took me almost twenty years to realize his way is better after all), his relationship with his daughter also started improving. He no longer felt pushed to mediate and back me up when it came to enticing her to clean her room or the house. He can now enjoy the time in our home and is closer to his daughter (and me) as a result. The best result for him is this: I am less stressed myself. And because his wife is less stressed, he is too.
Experiences over possessions.....
Last, now before you think my daughter is deprived and sad because she has less toys, I would like to inspire you... we are at a point now where she makes the bulk of the decisions about what goes into her room. It took a full year to reach this point. Rather than just buying her 20 toys for Christmas morning, we now have discussions about what she really wants. She values higher quality items rather than cheap plastic toys. For birthdays and Christmas, she receives high value items she has been talking and dreaming about. Examples are: a new bike, a punch card to her favorite art place, a family trip to the beach, maybe something for one of her collections she has chosen to have, high quality art supplies, books and more. She also values experience over possessions. Rather than toys, she now chooses horse back riding lessons, fishing trips with dad, art lessons, trips to the beach, spa day with mom and so on. She's more creative. Every birthday and christmas, we replenish her arts and crafts supplies. We aim for higher quality art supplies. We read. A lot.
The real gift my daughter has now....
But probably the biggest most positive change I've seen is her ability to plan and set goals more. Now that she knows not everything is within arms reach, she feels more motivated to take the time to dream about the things she really wants. Children are no longer really allowed the gift of anticipation as much anymore. We just give it to them. In doing this we have robbed our children of something very important: anticipating and waiting and desiring and waiting some more for something really special. We even go so far as to wait until the day before we take them somewhere special to tell them what we are doing because we as parents don't want them to the suffer the pain of feeling impatient. Think about the last trip you went on. Half the fun of going on a trip or obtaining an item is scheming, planning and dreaming about it. It has been a great joy to see my daughter have the ability to set goals, dream, and create a plan for making what she wants to happen.
What discipline....?
Very last, I promise, minimalism is completely changing the way I discipline. I want to drive this point home. Because I feel that before when we had so much stuff, I was disciplining my daughter a lot more often. I mentioned spanking above, and I am going to be honest and admit I found myself really considering using the spanking method quite often when we had so much stuff. Now, the thought would never even cross my mind. Having less stuff in the home has completely changed our dynamic as a family. There's just not as much to discipline over anymore. When we do discipline, it is for very real problems that needs that be addressed. But never over anything material. In fact, we don't even really use the word "discipline" in our house anymore. There's more room for "discussions" now. My five year old daughter just this evening said, "calm down mom, get on your knees at my level so we can TALK about this." This was her approach when we were disagreeing over what time she should go to bed. And we did. I calmed down long enough to hear her side and we proceeded with a fair and equitable plan of action for her bed time routine.
This is the parent-child relationship I want. One where we are both treated as human beings with high self worth and value. For me minimalism, isn't about less stuff. It is about finding that sweet spot of the perfect amount of items in the homes that still allows you to be a family that has fun, communicates about the deeper things and has more time for the experiences that truly matter. I find that each week as I remove more stuff and bring less in, the more we are there. Less battles over material stuff has resulted in a child who knows she's loved and cherished and respected by her parents.
I was in shock. First, you must know we are a no-spank house. Second, I just felt there were so many other ways we could have resolved this. Once she was spanked and returned red faced with tears, the rest of the day was not so fun. She was so humiliated she could not enjoy the rest of the time we were there, not to mention my daughter was now the source and cause of her spanking. My daughter who has never been spanked knew something had happened but wasn't sure what. But guess what? Surprise. Surprise. They resumed their spat over the exact same toy. The spanking did nothing to resolve this. This time I intervened before the dad had the chance to take his daughter away for another spank. I stood in the hallway and calmly talked to both of the girls and listened to the friend's side. Her face still flushed with tears and frustration. She felt the item wasn't being respected by daughter and wanted to put it away. As soon as I explained to my daughter that this was a brand new special toy that was a birthday gift and her friend was not ready to share it yet, she immediately understood and handed the toy over. The dad stood in the hallway a bit bewildered, unsure of what just happened.
When we left, it really bothered me to the core that a child was spanked over something so materialistic as a toy. And I pondered this a lot on the drive home. I thought about it as I made dinner. I thought about it more as I tucked my daughter into bed. And the more I thought about it. The more it bothered me. If I were to spank... if we were to be a spanking house hold, I would hope that it would be reserved for real issues. Terrible issues that deserve physical punishment. Like kicking the house cat so hard she has to be hospitalized. Or maybe because a baseball bat was taken to the neighbor's mail box. Or maybe catching your sister's hair on fire because you were playing with matches. Those kinds of issues. Not over plastic toys or material items. Items that mean absolutely nothing. Not when family and people are supposed to be elevated above stuff.
But If I was to Be Completely Honest With Myself....
Now before this becomes a parent bashing blog of parents who spank everywhere, I have to be completely brutally honest. Here is the real reason why the spanking incident bothered me.Because even though in our house we don't spank, it was not that long ago that my daughter was also tear-stained, red faced and humiliated and I myself was angry, near tears and red faced as well becauseI elevated stuff above her. While I may have never spanked her over toys, there was a time I once battled with her over room being clean, or more precisely... Not being clean. There was a time I yelled, gave time outs and more if I found a toy abandoned on the floor, chewed by the dog, broken or just generally disrespected. But if I was to be brazenly honest, I created that situation and completely set my daughter up for failure. I repeat, I set my daughter up for failure. Me. This is the core of why the spanking bothered me, I was not that much different as the spanking parent once.... Now that I've shifted mentally, I'm seeing things a new light and I am realizing how we as parents are doing it all wrong simply by focusing on the wrong things and making things such as toys and stuff, the higher value. Choosing toys and their personal sanctuary as the battle field for power struggles.
Our Story....
About a year ago, I started the process of removing excess toys out of our daughters room. It started out challenging at first but over time I found ways to inspire and empower our daughter rather than make her feel punished. Our first initial clean out of her room was admittedly the result of a breakdown on my part. I woke up one Saturday morning and attempted to walk through her room and was stabbed in the bottom of my foot by one of her toys. It was the plastic hand of some mini doll that most likely snuck into the house through a happy meal. I actually hollered like a walrus in pain. It hurt that bad. My daughter felt terrible and attempted to keep her room clean for the duration of the week. She dutifully donned her doctor outfit on each time we checked the bandage on my foot. I limped around for nearly five days and it was much more painful than I had anticipated. I used every limp to try to make her feel guilty but she successfully tuned me out. Apparently, their amphibian brain parts doesn't allow them have empathy until they are 25 years old now. The following weekend her room was a mess again. And I was done. We had our first big clean out the following Saturday. She was fairly upset and in tears and I was angry, holding her responsible for the mess. My husband monitored the whole affair acting as a mutual mediator between us and reassuring her that everything that was going out the door was in fact going into the garage. I was angry, enraged and lectured her the entire time. I wish I knew then what I know now and what I'm about to share with you....
I now realize that expecting a child to manage 1500 toys is cruel....
This is something I didn't realize until we had pared down her toy collection to less than 50 items. Your first thought is probably that your own child doesn't have 1500 toys and you may be right. However, if you add up the average train set (about 200 pieces), the average doll house set (about 100 pieces), then Legos (about 300 pieces), and the average number of books, DVDs, video games, pens and crayons they have.... you probably haven't even tapped into a fraction of the average child's toy collection. When I look back on it now, I feel terrible for all the time we spent fighting over her room.
She can now clean her room in less than ten minutes....
Yes, by herself. Before she would fight me tooth and nail each time I sailed into her room for cleaning day. You know the drill. We have all been through it. You try the famous "clean up, clean up" song that you hear every preschool or kindergarten teacher using and it seems to work better than the pied piper song. Every kid flocks in to help her. Yet, in your home, your child hears the song and gears up for a fight. Whining, resistance and strikes ensues. Or they may be just like how my child used to be and simply go limp on the floor. Unresponsive, unable to even hear you speaking. Paring down the belongings in her rooms has been surprisingly positive in so many areas of our life. She now has higher self esteem, more confidence and is not overwhelmed by the idea of keeping her room cleaned. She has a sense of accomplishment and pride she did not have before with her bedroom. It feels truly hers. Not just some space I randomly filled with items she didn't even really ask for.
We like each other more than ever before.....
Our parent-relationship has changed. But more than that, we no longer have violatile stand offs over the piles of toys in her room. As a result, our relationship has improved. I no longer feel like I'm failing as a mother because I can't train her to manage her mountains of toys and she no longer feels like faking epileptic seizures when it is time to clean her room. I'm no longer tired, stressed, bitter becaus I had to go through yet again and clean everything up while she lay limp like a starfish on the floor. Less yelling and frustration on my part has resulted in a child who knows she's loved by her parents.
I no longer hold double standards......
Further, minimalising her room has inspired me to do the same with the rest of our house. I am still working on this admittedly. Each week, something goes out the door to goodwill or the dump. But each time we pare down, the peace and (real) goodwill goes up in our home. Because I am cleaning less and she is able to manage her own room much more easily, we are now actually enjoying the other chores. You know, the ones we never have time for.... Baking, cooking, gardening, and all the other Martha Stewart craft things you want to do but never have time for. Well guess what, when you have less stuff, you magically have more time.
My actions affect how my husband parents too....
My husband can now keep the home clean as well. Before he would do his own grown up version of fake epileptic seizures and sneak outside to do a task in the yard. And he was a terrible role model for his daughter as a result. Or so I thought. This is what I told myself. Now, he can walk around and clean up the living in less than 30 paces. I had the realization one day that every single item that is in our home is there because of me. All those doo-dads and gadgets and every little shabby chic decoration is because of me. All of our daughter's toys, all the clothes, all the books, EVERYTHING is there because of me. Before he married me, my husband was a true minimalist. Everything he owned he could fit into a car. He likely had less than 100 items, 20 year later he now had 50,000 items thanks to me. Once I started minimalising myself (after it took me almost twenty years to realize his way is better after all), his relationship with his daughter also started improving. He no longer felt pushed to mediate and back me up when it came to enticing her to clean her room or the house. He can now enjoy the time in our home and is closer to his daughter (and me) as a result. The best result for him is this: I am less stressed myself. And because his wife is less stressed, he is too.
Experiences over possessions.....
Last, now before you think my daughter is deprived and sad because she has less toys, I would like to inspire you... we are at a point now where she makes the bulk of the decisions about what goes into her room. It took a full year to reach this point. Rather than just buying her 20 toys for Christmas morning, we now have discussions about what she really wants. She values higher quality items rather than cheap plastic toys. For birthdays and Christmas, she receives high value items she has been talking and dreaming about. Examples are: a new bike, a punch card to her favorite art place, a family trip to the beach, maybe something for one of her collections she has chosen to have, high quality art supplies, books and more. She also values experience over possessions. Rather than toys, she now chooses horse back riding lessons, fishing trips with dad, art lessons, trips to the beach, spa day with mom and so on. She's more creative. Every birthday and christmas, we replenish her arts and crafts supplies. We aim for higher quality art supplies. We read. A lot.
The real gift my daughter has now....
But probably the biggest most positive change I've seen is her ability to plan and set goals more. Now that she knows not everything is within arms reach, she feels more motivated to take the time to dream about the things she really wants. Children are no longer really allowed the gift of anticipation as much anymore. We just give it to them. In doing this we have robbed our children of something very important: anticipating and waiting and desiring and waiting some more for something really special. We even go so far as to wait until the day before we take them somewhere special to tell them what we are doing because we as parents don't want them to the suffer the pain of feeling impatient. Think about the last trip you went on. Half the fun of going on a trip or obtaining an item is scheming, planning and dreaming about it. It has been a great joy to see my daughter have the ability to set goals, dream, and create a plan for making what she wants to happen.
What discipline....?
Very last, I promise, minimalism is completely changing the way I discipline. I want to drive this point home. Because I feel that before when we had so much stuff, I was disciplining my daughter a lot more often. I mentioned spanking above, and I am going to be honest and admit I found myself really considering using the spanking method quite often when we had so much stuff. Now, the thought would never even cross my mind. Having less stuff in the home has completely changed our dynamic as a family. There's just not as much to discipline over anymore. When we do discipline, it is for very real problems that needs that be addressed. But never over anything material. In fact, we don't even really use the word "discipline" in our house anymore. There's more room for "discussions" now. My five year old daughter just this evening said, "calm down mom, get on your knees at my level so we can TALK about this." This was her approach when we were disagreeing over what time she should go to bed. And we did. I calmed down long enough to hear her side and we proceeded with a fair and equitable plan of action for her bed time routine.
This is the parent-child relationship I want. One where we are both treated as human beings with high self worth and value. For me minimalism, isn't about less stuff. It is about finding that sweet spot of the perfect amount of items in the homes that still allows you to be a family that has fun, communicates about the deeper things and has more time for the experiences that truly matter. I find that each week as I remove more stuff and bring less in, the more we are there. Less battles over material stuff has resulted in a child who knows she's loved and cherished and respected by her parents.
1 comment:
I really enjoyed reading this. My husband and I don't have kids yet, but it makes me feel good to know that the work I'm doing now to simplify our home will also help once we do have a baby. Very well thought out.
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