No Cell Phone Equals No Life?

Recently I had a friend become worried when I told her I will not be getting another cell phone when my current phone dies. It has managed to stay alive for five years and has a few buttons missing but it is only a matter of time. I'm pretty determined to do it. "How will I reach you?  How will we set up time to see each other?  Texting is how we always talk, what will happen?"

All valid questions. But I thought about it later and I wish I had said this, "what will happen is you will see more often."  This is a friend I rarely see because we live a few hours away from each other. Yet, in the last year I've see her more than I have ever seen her before. The reason for that is because in the process of minimalising my life, I have been finding more time to see the people I really care about. The people I really want to see. As a result, I've been able to see my friend more often too. And not just her but many other people I love and care about too. 

Last weekend I was sitting at home with my daughter crocheting on the couch. (Since I am staying away from media distractions, I am spending more time teaching my daughter how to sew, weave, and even crochet). My husband had just told me that he would be working through the weekend. I had this moment where I thought, " I should see if my friend is home this weekend and my daughter and I can go spend the night with her."  I ended up not doing it because it was late but I had this realization that I likely would not have done that before. I would have been too tired, too exhausted by the weekend to even think about doing that. Even thinking about it would have exhausted me. My to do list of things to do around the house would have kept me captive. 

Here's what I realized as I was driving home after meeting with her...  I think getting rid of my cell phone will likely free me up even more. I will see people more often. I won't have the smart phone distraction anymore so my thoughts will be calm, even and steady. I won't have the false illusion that I am connecting with people via media when I'm really not. I will be able to wrap my mental energy around setting up time to see people I care about.  More often. 

I had another friend ask me, "what will you do in an emergency?"  I do plan to get a simple pay for minutes as I go phone for my car. But that's it. I'm not interested in maintaining a $180 cell phone plan. We did recently get it down to $120. But that is still too much. In ten years, that will amount to $14,400. That's enough to buy a tiny house, that's a year income for some people.  I want to retire early and young. We can't if we carry these kinds of expenses on our back. 

I must also address the access of cell phones everywhere. We are still thinking of the days when we had an emergency, we had to walk a few blocks to the nearest pay phone. Those days are over. Everyone and their ten year old has a phone now. If there's an emergency, all I need to do is ask someone to call 911 for me and chances are, six people will be available to do this at any given moment, as well as tweet about it, take my photo and read about crop circles in Malaysia at the same time.  It doesn't really make sense for me to have a cell phone when there are so many available to use.

I wish I could give you some really solid reasons and data for not using a cell phone. I'm sure if I dug hard enough, I could find stats and numbers that support a cell phone free lifestyle. But here is what it really boils down to for me: it doesn't feel right to have one. I know, I know. What does that even mean?  I'm not sure. All I know is that for a few years now, there has been a gut feeling that cell phones are not good for us. With the rise of autism, mental health disorders, cancers and much more. I'm concerned that we are introducing so many things to our environment without fully knowing the long term implications. But it goes deeper than that for me. Sometimes we need to trust our instincts. Sometimes, something just feels... Well, wrong. Kind of like when you're walking down a dark alleyway and you can't logically explain it but you know you are not safe. And so you turn around. That is how I feel about cell phones. I don't have the logical and analytical reasons now but I do have the gut feeling. And part of my journey in minimalism is being true to myself and trusting myself more often. And so that means, following this icky feeling I have about media, electronics and cell phones and avoiding them. 

So what will happen when I ditch my phone?  I predict that a lot of things will happen. Things will change. I will go back to a $15 a month home phone. I will save money. But I predict that most of those changes will be for the better. And my life will be better. And so will others around me. Because they will be seeing more of me in the flesh. More often. 

Facebook Sabbatical

I deactivated my facebook account. It is funny because everyone talks about doing it. Nearly everyone talks about how much a distraction facebook is and how much time they waste on there. But nobody really does anything about it. And I wonder why...

There are obvious reasons. It connects us socially. It plugs us into what is currently going on in the world, with our friends and family. Unfortunately we are not protected from the negative. We are exposed to everything. It is ALL streaming at us full tilt. Much like a scream-world roller coaster ride and we can't slow it down or tell the car where to go. We have no control over what pops up on our news feed. There's no filter in place to keep us from falling into a bad mood over something we just read.  And to top it all off. We are addicted to it. No one really wants to talk about it. Or maybe they are just so sidetracked from all of the information coming at them streaming live 24 hours a day, they can't even stop to take a breath and see what is happening. 

A few weeks ago, I went to a weekend retreat. A place that is off grid and unaffected by Internet completely. No cell phones, no tv and no internet. I will admit I had withdrawals the first 24 hours. It was exactly what I needed to unplug and I loved it. I loved being free and plugged into real life and nature around me. I intend to go back as often as I can. 

Before I went, I discovered minimalism and I had a few weeks to learn and read about it and absorb some of the info before I went on my trip. The trip then served as a place to really asses what I want in life and that I really do want to practice more of the ideas around minimalism. It reinforced that for me in a big way. Especially since I could see how comfortable I was with only what was in my suitcase and nothing more. I didn't miss any of the items back at my house. I missed the people I left behind but none of the items. 

It is close to the end of the year and many people tend to write new year resolutions. But I'm prepared to write how my life is already different now and what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. Not on a year to year basis. I also believe in "putting things into the universe" so to speak. Much of what I put out there comes back to me or comes true. Much of what we say is also contractual. 

Life change #1

No more gadgets. No more cheap plastic toys, gadgets, shabby chic decorations. No more kitchen tools.  Honestly none of this stuff really serves me and creates more clutter in my home. 

Life change #2

Become happily stingy. Before I felt saving money was more of a punishment. For the first time ever, I see that it is simply about value exchange. I can spend money on the cheap crappy stuff that bring me NO joy in the long run or I can spend it on the things I really want in life. 

Life change #3 

Rediscovering what I really REALLY want. I think this is the biggest transition in my life. There came a day when I realized that all the little stuff I was bringing into my life was not only spending money and not only cluttering my home but also DISTRACTING me from I really want do in life. 

Life change #4

No more distracting side projects. I tend to decide to do small side projects that cost money just for the sake of because I can. Not because I want to. Earlier in the year, I overspent money on items to make balms and salves but realized recently, it is costly and it is not something that is a "dream" of mine. All the empty jars and ingredients are still sitting in my cupboard. I am honestly better off buying from someone else that enjoys it as a passion.

Life change #5

I don't have to do, make, buy EVERYTHING. Buy from others who are already doing it with a passion. I don't have to make jewelry, I can buy from someone who already has a love for this. I don't have to make candles, either do without or buy from a beekeeper, I don't have to keep bees, I don't have to save the forest and plant trees all over my property. I don't have to do anything at all. 

Life change #6

Stop farming. This is tough for me. But I'm ready to reduce our farming load a LOT. I think I will raise two pigs a year, a few pet goats and work down to no sheep. And no more breeding animals. I'm done with that. It was fun trying it and I love it but it is costly, stressful and distracts us from our very long term goals. 

Life change #7

Write more. This brings me back to facebook. I used to both and read a lot before facebook. Before MySpace and all the other social media distractions. I think it is time for me to reconnect closer to home with my loved ones, and most of all with my creative side. 

Short term goal #1 

I'm not ready to completely give up the Internet so for the next few weeks, I am going to use the Internet is a very purposeful way. Only for paying bills and reading inspiring articles on minimalism and saving money. 

I want to maintain that "off grid" enjoyment for a little bit longer. Give myself a chance to self reflect and think about where I want to go in life, who I want to spend time and what creative outlets I want to open back up. 

I looking forward to the journey. Probably for the first time in a long time. 

Merry Guiltmas

$700 is what I spent this year on Christmas. I know realistically, this is a low budget compared to most other households. But $700 is a lot of money.  It would be enough to buy groceries for a family for three months. And this is one of the things I am starting to really take issues with when it comes materialism. The value exchange we placis tipping the scales in a way I don't agree with. And it is one of the things I want to change in my life.

Christmas is probably one of the worst times to become a minimalist. But it can also be the best time too. The worst time because, every year there are certain people I buy for no matter what. Fortunately, the number of people is fairly low thanks to one year we made the rule "kids only". And it gets easier because each family only buys one gift for each kid. Which means on Christmas my daughter will only get four gifts from outside family members. Doable. Livable. Not overwhelming. And even better, is that nearly all the family members checked in with me before buying the gifts as they know many of the items get tossed out if they don't meet a certain criteria. The best time, because it has kept me from going over board. I likely would have spent closer to $1200.

So here is where the scales sort of tip unfairly. I only have one child. Everyone else has two kids or more. So while every other family is only buying one gift for my daughter. I am buying two or more gifts for each family. Easily adds up to a quite a bit more. Each year, I'm fairly strict with my budget.  I won't go over $20 per kid. I refuse to. But even with that, I end up spending about $160 on gifts for other people's kids and honestly... I rather spend the money on my own family. Then I always buy for my mom and her husband. And they are impossible to buy for because they have everything. So normally, I buy them a gift card to a really nice restaurant. Usually spend about $100 on them.

Then there's my husband and daughter. The good news is that it is all mostly functional items. This year I'm buying them both electric toothbrushes, that comes to $80.  I also bought matching memory foam pillows for my husband and I, another $100 Miscellaneous books and art supplies for my daughter, another $50. Socks, $50. And some toys for her current collection, another $50. Add in wrapping paper and miscellaneous and that comes to to about $700 including the above. Had I not recently decided to officially become a minimalist, I likely would have spent closer to $1200. 

Recently a friend of mine told me she normally feels very guilty, angry and let down after Christmas. She often frantically buys a lot of presents to "top" what she did the year before for her kids. But after all the presents are opened and everyone's off to their rooms, there s a big let down that happens. All that frenzied shopping and anticipation and the results: disappointing. Than you feel guilty because now you're slightly broke or the money could have gone towards replacing the hot water heater or something else. Something you all really needed. Now you're angry. Because you know that much shopping and spending doesn't align with your moral compass. But you did it anyway. So really,you're angry at yourself. Combine being broke and feeling guilty and you have the biggest let down in all of history happening every single year.

Next year, I'm going to skip Christmas. This year I did not have enough time to implement that with my family and relatives. By the time I realized I wanted to skip Christmas this year, it was too late. Everything had already been set in motion.  Fortunately, I was able to keep it in check.  But skipping Christmas will not be easy. There's a lot of people who won't understand. And some will object. Including those who live under my roof.

This is something I will work on this year. It might be that we go on a family vacation for three days. The money that would normally be spent on gifts. We spend on time together as a family instead at the beach or at a ski lodge. And we just let everyone know that in 2015, we won't be home. Who knows, maybe everyone will actually be relieved to have one less person to spend money on.

Do the "little things" really make us that much happier?

I am a very organized person. I am right on the cusps of being OCD about it but not totally pushed over into being a manic about it. There's room for imperfections in my home and I can turn a blind eye when needed. But I don't ever let complete chaos and mess rule my house. When you open my kitchen cupboards, everything is very nicely organized and I know where everything in my house is (well, almost everything). 

I say almost everything because I spent three days recently looking for my scentsy inserts. When I couldn't find them, I then started looking for scented candles. I could not for the life of me find them either. I was a bit frantic as we were in the midst of dealing with a wet dog who was over due for a bath.  In the third day when I gave up I decided that when I do finally find them, I'm tossing or donating them.  I would never again spend that much time looking for something so insignificant.

I also relented and took my dog to the groomers. She's bright and white and smells nice. 

I was also struck with the following realizations:

• Clearly I don't use them enough to even remember where I put them. In my approach towards minimalism, I want to remove things I don't use that often and require a lot of effort to store and make space for: both mentally and physically. 
• I don't need 15 ways to make my house smell nice. I don't need scentsy, pyramid, incense, stick incense, candles, essential oils, room sprays and more to make my house smell nice. 
• Not to mention that most of the ways to scent a house include packaging, bottles, petroleum, synthetic scents and more. 

I decided that I will only keep plain white tea lights for those times when the power goes out for a couple hours in the winter (they burn for 90 minutes and have proven to be just the right length for those few hours before bed), a few favorite essential oils I can diffuse in a pot on the stove. 

I can also use orange peels, cinnamon sticks, bay leaves and more as well when I diffuse the EOs in the pot. All items I already have in my cupboard and use them to make my own home made chai tea. Not to mention a far more natural approach and smells delicious and edible. 

What I learned from this experience is that if an item is taking that much effort to track and use and store, it is not really worth it at all. A person might decide to use only high quality scented candles instead and that's fine. But I would challenge them to refrain from buying 10 other ways to scent their house. Maybe just stick with incense only or use up your essential oils.  Someone may even opt not to use any scents at all in an effort to truly minimalize. However, if you're like us, you might have dogs and sometimes those nice fresh smells are a bonus. 

For a natural way to make your house smell nice, adding of the following to a pot of water and simmer on very low. Do not leave unattended. Be sure to play around with the mixture. I sometimes only use lemon peels and nothing more. Sometimes I blend cinnamon sticks, cloves and orange peels. Sometimes I only use lavender and Rosemary (all items right outside my front door). 

Bay leaves

Cinnamon sticks

Orange peels

Cloves

Rosemary

Lavender

Lemon peels

Thyme

Vanilla

I'm going to become much more stingy in what I store. Not just in the scent department but in everything. I recently challenged my husband to stream line our flashlight collection. We were in a place where we had twelve different flashlights that all take varying battery sizes and of course, we rarely have the right battery size for most of them. We noticed that there are always two that we reach for when needed and we only grab the rest because we either can't find our favorites or because the batteries are dead and we have no extras. When he balked and presented some of the reasons to keep them, I challenged him back. For example, one of the reasons he wanted to keep them all is in case we can't find our two favorites, I countered that if we have less stuff to keep track of, we won't be "losing" them to began with. I also proposed that we will have more space for batteries and have less to track in terms of varying battery sizes. 

There have been times we have had 12 flashlights in the house but no batteries. How ridiculous is that?  After a smooth debate, he agreed that the ideal scenario to keep our very favorites we use the most and get rid of the rest. Use the space we free up to stock up on batteries for those ones.  One of the models my husband loves is rechargeable which is even better. We live in the country where the power goes out frequently, so a high quality flashlight with enough batteries makes the sense as well. 

Being well organized has it's benefits and it makes it very easy to obtain more items as a result. But it still requires great mental capacity to do it. It still requires you to stop and spend a few minutes thinking about where you stored the items.  It still requires effort to resort, reorganize and shuffle things around. Someone suggested one time I make an inventory list. This is one of the worse advice you can give someone who's on the cusp of being manic OCD about organizing. Keeping a list would not simplify my life. It would give me another challenging mental task to track. And since I am I'm in a period of my life where I want to be doing the things I *really* want to do such as spending time with my daughter and husband...  Keeping track of a list will give me yet another project and yet another reason to ignore them. No thank you. 

Someone might argue that "the little things in life make us happy."  This quote had to come from a collector, a hoarder or someone who liked to shop a lot. Because honestly, the little things in life have been nothing more than distractions for me so far. If I sit down and make a list of the top ten most important things in my life, on that list you won't find "having 15 ways to make my house smell nice".  Heck, you won't even find it on my top one hundred list. But you bet your bottom right right cheek that spending more time engaged with my family is right up along with being kinder to the to the earth. Having multiple things to keep track of interferes with both of of those. 

I am already finding reprieve in the small ways we are minimizing. Less scent items to track, less flashlights to go on manhunts for. But most of all, just the giving myself the gift that we don't *need* more. Putting myself in a space where I am spending less time cleaning, sorting and organizing and more time doing things with people I love. That has been the greatest gift of all. 

Does Having Less Change The Way You Parent Your Children?

First, I need to share with you why I am pushed to write this. Today I saw a child get spanked over a toy. We visited a home of my daughters friend we had not been to before. It is a nice family and wonderful kids. What first got my attention when we walked in was the amount of toys they had. Their DVD collection started at the doorway and had to be at least 500 DVDs. From there, was the toy kitchen set. For whatever reason, they had two.  Following that were multiple little people doll houses and buildings that trailed all the way down the hallway to the bedrooms where the daughters room was adorned with several more dollhouses and a large American girl doll set. When I scanned her room, I counted at least 1000 pieces of toys just in her room alone.  The house was not messy by any means. In fact, all of the toys were arranged very nicely (by mom is my guess) and clean. The children had shelves and boxes specific for holding their collections of toys. Even with that, I felt overwhelmed.

Here's what actually got my attention. At one point my daughter had a toy in her hand. Immediately her friend wanted that one solo piece of toy back. Surprise. Surprise. It was suddenly the most special toy out of thousands of other toys in the house. I realized in the middle of their spat it was a brand new toy she had just gotten for her birthday the day before. Before I had a chance to intervene and ask my daughter to return it, the father picked up the daughter and took her into another room to spank her for not sharing (more specifically for not listening to him when he told her to share, but I doubt she understood that).

I was in shock. First, you must know we are a no-spank house. Second, I just felt there were so many other ways we could have resolved this. Once she was spanked and returned red faced with tears, the rest of the day was not so fun. She was so humiliated she could not enjoy the rest of the time we were there, not to mention my daughter was now the source and cause of her spanking. My daughter who has never been spanked knew something had happened but wasn't sure what. But guess what?  Surprise. Surprise. They resumed their spat over the exact same toy. The spanking did nothing to resolve this. This time I intervened before the dad had the chance to take his daughter away for another spank. I stood in the hallway and calmly talked to both of the girls and listened to the friend's side.  Her face still flushed with tears and frustration. She felt the item wasn't being respected by daughter and wanted to put it away. As soon as I explained to my daughter that this was a brand new special toy that was a birthday gift and her friend was not ready to share it yet, she immediately understood and handed the toy over. The dad stood in the hallway a bit bewildered, unsure of what just happened.

When we left, it really bothered me to the core that a child was spanked over something so materialistic as a toy. And I pondered this a lot on the drive home. I thought about it as I made dinner. I thought about it more as I tucked my daughter into bed. And the more I thought about it. The more it bothered me. If I were to spank... if we were to be a spanking house hold, I would hope that it would be reserved for real issues. Terrible issues that deserve physical punishment. Like kicking the house cat so hard she has to be hospitalized. Or maybe because a baseball bat was taken to the neighbor's mail box. Or maybe catching your sister's hair on fire because you were playing with matches. Those kinds of issues. Not over plastic toys or material items. Items that mean absolutely nothing. Not when family and people are supposed to be elevated above stuff.

But If I was to Be Completely Honest With Myself....
Now before this becomes a parent bashing blog of parents who spank everywhere, I have to be completely brutally honest. Here is the real reason why the spanking incident bothered me.Because even though in our house we don't spank, it was not that long ago that my daughter was also tear-stained, red faced and humiliated and I myself was angry, near tears and red faced as well becauseI elevated stuff above her. While I may have never spanked her over toys, there was a time I once battled with her over room being clean, or more precisely... Not being clean. There was a time I yelled, gave time outs and more if I found a toy abandoned on the floor, chewed by the dog, broken or just generally disrespected. But if I was to be brazenly honest, I created that situation and completely set my daughter up for failure. I repeat, I set my daughter up for failure. Me. This is the core of why the spanking bothered me, I was not that much different as the spanking parent once....  Now that I've shifted mentally, I'm seeing things a new light and I am realizing how we as parents are doing it all wrong simply by focusing on the wrong things and making things such as toys and stuff, the higher value. Choosing toys and their personal sanctuary as the battle field for power struggles.

Our Story....

About a year ago, I started the process of removing excess toys out of our daughters room. It started out challenging at first but over time I found ways to inspire and empower our daughter rather than make her feel punished. Our first initial clean out of her room was admittedly the result of a breakdown on my part. I woke up one Saturday morning and attempted to walk through her room and was stabbed in the bottom of my foot by one of her toys. It was the plastic hand of some mini doll that most likely snuck into the house through a happy meal. I actually hollered like a walrus in pain. It hurt that bad. My daughter felt terrible and attempted to keep her room clean for the duration of the week.  She dutifully donned her doctor outfit on each time we checked the bandage on my foot. I limped around for nearly five days and it was much more painful than I had anticipated. I used every limp to try to make her feel guilty but she successfully tuned me out. Apparently, their amphibian brain parts doesn't allow them have empathy until they are 25 years old now. The following weekend her room was a mess again. And I was done. We had our first big clean out the following Saturday. She was fairly upset and in tears and I was angry, holding her responsible for the mess.  My husband monitored the whole affair acting as a mutual mediator between us and reassuring her that everything that  was going out the door was in fact going into the garage.  I was angry, enraged and lectured her the entire time. I wish I knew then what I know now and what I'm about to share with you....

I now realize that expecting a child to manage 1500 toys is cruel....
This is something I didn't realize until we had pared down her toy collection to less than 50 items. Your first thought is probably that your own child doesn't have 1500 toys and you may be right. However, if you add up the average train set (about 200 pieces), the average doll house set (about 100 pieces), then Legos (about 300 pieces), and the average number of books, DVDs, video games, pens and crayons they have....  you probably haven't even tapped into a fraction of the average child's toy collection. When I look back on it now, I feel terrible for all the time we spent fighting over her room.

She can now clean her room in less than ten minutes....
Yes, by herself. Before she would fight me tooth and nail each time I sailed into her room for cleaning day. You know the drill. We have all been through it. You try the famous "clean up, clean up" song that you hear every preschool or kindergarten teacher using and it seems to work better than the pied piper song. Every kid flocks in to help her. Yet, in your home, your child hears the song and gears up for a fight. Whining, resistance and strikes ensues. Or they may be just like how my child used to be and simply go limp on the floor.  Unresponsive, unable to even hear you speaking. Paring down the belongings in her rooms has been surprisingly positive in so many areas of our life. She now has higher self esteem, more confidence and is not overwhelmed by the idea of keeping her room cleaned. She has a sense of accomplishment and pride she did not have before with her bedroom. It feels truly hers. Not just some space I randomly filled with items she didn't even really ask for.

We like each other more than ever before.....
Our parent-relationship has changed. But more than that, we no longer have violatile stand offs over the piles of toys in her room. As a result, our relationship has improved. I no longer feel like I'm failing as a mother because I can't train her to manage her mountains of toys and she no longer feels like faking epileptic seizures when it is time to clean her room. I'm no longer tired, stressed, bitter becaus I had to go through yet again and clean everything up while she lay limp like a starfish on the floor. Less yelling and frustration on my part has resulted in a child who knows she's loved by her parents.

I no longer hold double standards......
Further, minimalising her room has inspired me to do the same with the rest of our house. I am still working on this admittedly. Each week, something goes out the door to goodwill or the dump. But each time we pare down, the peace and (real) goodwill goes up in our home. Because I am cleaning less and she is able to manage her own room much more easily, we are now actually enjoying the other chores. You know, the ones we never have time for.... Baking, cooking, gardening, and all the other Martha Stewart craft things you want to do but never have time for. Well guess what, when you have less stuff, you magically have more time.

My actions affect how my husband parents too....
My husband can now keep the home clean as well. Before he would do his own grown up version of fake epileptic seizures and sneak outside to do a task in the yard. And he was a terrible role model for his daughter as a result. Or so I thought. This is what I told myself. Now, he can walk around and clean up the living in less than 30 paces. I had the realization one day that every single item that is in our home is there because of me. All those doo-dads and gadgets and every little shabby chic decoration is because of me. All of our daughter's toys, all the clothes, all the books, EVERYTHING is there because of me. Before he married me, my husband was a true minimalist. Everything he owned he could fit into a car. He likely had less than 100 items, 20 year later he now had 50,000 items thanks to me. Once I started minimalising myself (after it took me almost twenty years to realize his way is better after all), his relationship with his daughter also started improving. He no longer felt pushed to mediate and back me up when it came to enticing her to clean her room or the house. He can now enjoy the time in our home and is closer to his daughter (and me) as a result. The best result for him is this:  I am less stressed myself. And because his wife is less stressed, he is too.


Experiences over possessions.....
Last, now before you think my daughter is deprived and sad because she has less toys, I would like to inspire you... we are at a point now where she makes the bulk of the decisions about what goes into her room. It took a full year to reach this point. Rather than just buying her 20 toys for Christmas morning, we now have discussions about what she really wants. She values higher quality items rather than cheap plastic toys. For birthdays and Christmas, she receives high value items she has been talking and dreaming about. Examples are: a new bike, a punch card to her favorite art place, a family trip to the beach, maybe something for one of her collections she has chosen to have, high quality art supplies, books and more. She also values experience over possessions. Rather than toys, she now chooses horse back riding lessons, fishing trips with dad, art lessons, trips to the beach, spa day with mom and so on. She's more creative. Every birthday and christmas, we replenish her arts and crafts supplies. We aim for higher quality art supplies. We read. A lot.

The real gift my daughter has now....
But probably the biggest most positive change I've seen is her ability to plan and set goals more. Now that she knows not everything is within arms reach, she feels more motivated to take the time to dream about the things she really wants. Children are no longer really allowed the gift of anticipation as much anymore. We just give it to them. In doing this we have robbed our children of something very important: anticipating and waiting and desiring and waiting some more for something really special. We even go so far as to wait until the day before we take them somewhere special to tell them what we are doing because we as parents don't want them to the suffer the pain of feeling impatient. Think about the last trip you went on. Half the fun of going on a trip or obtaining an item is scheming, planning and dreaming about it. It has been a great joy to see my daughter have the ability to set goals, dream, and create a plan for making what she wants to happen.

What discipline....?
Very last, I promise, minimalism is completely changing the way I discipline. I want to drive this point home. Because I feel that before when we had so much stuff, I was disciplining my daughter a lot more often. I mentioned spanking above, and I am going to be honest and admit I found myself really considering using the spanking method quite often when we had so much stuff. Now, the thought would never even cross my mind. Having less stuff in the home has completely changed our dynamic as a family. There's just not as much to discipline over anymore. When we do discipline, it is for very real problems that needs that be addressed. But never over anything material. In fact, we don't even really use the word "discipline" in our house anymore. There's more room for "discussions" now. My five year old daughter just this evening said, "calm down mom, get on your knees at my level so we can TALK about this."  This was her approach when we were disagreeing over what time she should go to bed. And we did. I calmed down long enough to hear her side and we proceeded with a fair and equitable plan of action for her bed time routine.

This is the parent-child relationship I want. One where we are both treated as human beings with high self worth and value. For me minimalism, isn't about less stuff. It is about finding that sweet spot of the perfect amount of items in the homes that still allows you to be a family that has fun, communicates about the deeper things and has more time for the experiences that truly matter. I find that each week as I remove more stuff and bring less in, the more we are there. Less battles over material stuff has resulted in a child who knows she's loved and cherished and respected by her parents.  

The beginning of the beginning of something great

Over the weekend, I went on my very first trip alone. Normally in the past when I travel, I go with a friend or my husband. It just happened to be an all women's retreat and I opted to not invite anyone with me. The retreat offered several hot springs, three vegetarian meals a day, and since it is off grid, no electronic distractions. The entire retreat is run on hydroelectric power and everything is heated using the hot springs. The body is completely able to recover from all the burdens of cell phone towers and power lines. I've been going through some pretty big mental shifts recently and needed an opportunity to reorganize my thoughts. This place was exactly what I needed.

I went on the trip mainly to get a break from motherhood. When you are a stay at home mom, you don't really ever have a break. Even when you go on trips with your family, you are still charged with packing, laundry, making reservations, making sure everyone stays alive. That sort of thing. It would be as if my husband went on a vacation with his boss and employees. Lucky for me I have a husband who was supportive of me going. I missed him the entire time I was there. I've often heard stories of some women going on trips and not missing their husbands. I completely missed my husband and could not wait to see him again and threw my arms around him the moment I saw him. He is so kind, generous, makes me laugh and still chases after me with pats on the bottom and unmentionable squeezes. In the entire time I've known my husband in 20 years, he has only ever yelled at me once, never calls me a name and has never made comments towards me that makes me feel less beautiful than other women. Truly a man that elevates me constantly and has mastered the art of making me feel like his number one. Thank you baby if you ever read this.

What I did:
The first 24 hours, I slept. This surprised me because I am not a person who sleeps a lot. I get up every morning at 5 am usually and generally don't feel tired. But I slept and only woke up for when the bell rang for meals. I had many grand plans to go hiking and hang out in the hot springs and attend all the yoga and meditation classes and yet... I slept. I was going to come back home fit, thin and yet I.... Slept. I would try to go to the library to read a book and my eyes would began to close. In one of the yoga classes, I thought I might cry from exhaustion so I didn't do anymore.  My entire body powered down against my will. So I would find my room and sleep. My massage therapist (who has lived on this retreat for almost 15 years) explained to me on my second day that they are seeing this more and more. People coming to the retreat and walking around like zombies as they recover from the assault that electronics, cell towers and more have on their body. He explained how my body was finally having a chance to reset to the natural rhythms of the earth and get full uninterrupted sleep.

The hot springs:
The first morning I woke up, I realized I only had 15 minutes until breakfast started but I was so groggy and still in my walking zombie sleep mode that I needed a way to wake up before crawling into the dining room. So I decided to slip down to one of the hot springs. This was perfect timing as everyone else was waiting in the lodge for breakfast. The hot springs are clothing optional and as odd as that might sound to some, it is really only a problem if you have a gawking issue.  It was women's only weekend so that was within the realm of my comfort zone.  It is very nice not having to wrestle a wet swimsuit on and off but to simply hang your robe, get in and when you get out, put your robe back on. The hot springs sits over a slight cliff over looking the rushing river, a meadow with deer grazing, giant crows flying over head that seemed to act as guardians of the place. There were patches of snow everywhere, a beautiful fog mist over the valley and the hot spring temperature was perfect. Not too hot at all. As I dipped in my body started trembling and I thought I might cry. It was just so perfect and beautiful and exactly what my body needed. It was as though I was recieving a long over due warm embrace from Mother Nature. I laid there for 30 minutes and just teared, trembled and smiled at the sheer beauty of the whole experience. Completely alone and undisturbed.

The food:
I made it in time to breakfast before they stopped serving. The nice part about clothing optional and a natural hot spring is that instead of wrestling out of my suit and rinsing chlorine out of my hair, I simply combed my hair and stepped into my stretch pants and a fleece jacket and walked to breakfast. It was so ridiculously easy, I can understand why some people enjoy nude retreats although I'm not ready for that nor may never be. But I can appreciate why others do love the freedom that goes with it.

The food was amazing. I thought I might cry again. I think it is safe to say here at this point that I was very long over due for this kind of nourishing love. I even almost cried at my massage therapy session. The best way to describe the food is that it is as though you are eating real live breathing living vitamins. I thought I ate healthy at home until I ate at this place. The amount of vegetable available was almost overwhelming. My first meal was squash soup with a salad bar that was better than any salad bar I've seen. Quinoa with black eyed peas, steamed veggies, coconut yogurt, pumpernickel bread and more was served. Another meal consisted of sautéed diced Brussels sprouts with sweet potatoes, sweet onions and bell peppers. They even had scrambled eggs with spinach and artichoke hearts. It was so delicious and I ate two plate full every meal.

Going alone:
If you have never traveled alone, I recommend doing so at least once. I realized as the trip went on that I was able to do things I would not have normally done had I had a friend or my family with me. When you are traveling with someone else, you have to be in a constant state of anticipation for what everyone is going to need. Even if you have the easiest most fun travel partner in the world, you still have to work around what you think their expectations might be for the trip. I would not have slept the way I did had I been with someone else. My mind would not have given my body permission to completely power down and shut off. I would have pushed through and enjoyed my stay with them as we blended our expectations around each other. It helped me understand why my husband used to like to fish or camp alone better than he likes going with someone else. Not always, but sometimes. I get it now. Sometimes it nice to be free from other people's needs and expectations and tend to only your own.

Break from swipe and pay and materialism:
What was great about this retreat is that you pay for your stay when you arrive. Your food is paid for and I never once had to pull out my purse and my wallet. If I had gone on a trip anywhere else, I still would have had to plan my meals and cups of coffee and pay for extra activities. It was very nice to have a break from the constant electronic swipe that is now an embedded part of our lives. I also enjoyed the break from consumerism and materialism in general as well as the over packing rituals we often have. I arrived with only a pair of jeans, a pair of stretch pants, a few tops, my robe, a couple towels, my bedding, brush and toothbrush and a couple books. That was it. Next time I will take less and only bring a back pack.

My personal thoughts:
The trip was a good opportunity for me to really think deeply about a few things. I realized on the tip I don't enjoy motherhood as much as I could be. Whenever I thought about my daughter, I would feel stressed and worried. I didn't miss he but I would feel some thought of anxiety and hope she was safe and okay. You cannot call or email or text anyone at this place so I was out in a mental place where I had to trust that she was safe and okay. I had a chance to think about our relationship and the direction I want it to take. It is tough, because it is not 100% up to me. She's a person and holds half the stakes in the relationship. But I can definitely make some changes to the role I play and how I want to be remembered as a mom.

I missed my husband the entire time. I mentioned that above. And I kept thinking how much he would like the place too. I love traveling with my husband. And being away for a few days from him really made me appreciate him even more than I already do. It also gave me an opportunity to realize that we both deserve to be nourished and cared for. Not just me. As a result, I came home inspired to cook better and healthier and to do whatever I can to make sure he's eating well when he's home with his family.

Minimalism, simplicity.  These were thoughts I was having before I left for my trip. And my trip confirmed for me that I want to go in this direction. After spending three days at a place that is free from electronics, off grid, self sustainable and produces very little trash....  Boom, it is the only way I want to live too. All I needed was a few clean clothes, a good book, access to healthy food, live close to nature, a heated room, clean water and I had everything I needed and I was happier than I've been in a long time. There were no toys, no gadgets, no unnecessary decorations...  There was a beautiful library with lots of books, puzzles spread out on tables and windows with beautiful nature to gaze at.

Seeing how very little I needed to enjoy my time was life changing for me too. It made me realize I could very easily be happy living out of a backpack and enjoying the most basic amnesties without all the household clutter I have. And I think my husband would be happy this way too. We are nomads at heart for sure and this gives me something to work towards as we raise our daughter and simplify our home and expenses.

I'm scheduled to go back again on the next all women's weekend. I asked my husband if I can go every time it is for women only and he was happy to say yes to that. I think it does a w things for me. One, it gives me something to look forward to. To know that a break is coming on days when I'm struggling or feeling down. Two, keeps me on track with our long term goals. Three, gives me inspiration to find ways to care and nurture for myself, my husband and my daughter.

The diving board: where we are starting

Let's be real for a minute.

Net Worth Amount:
Savings: $0
Retirement: $26,288
Home Value $255,000

White Car: $5,000

White Truck $8,000
Silver Car: $16,000
Boat: $10,000
Misc Funds: $0
TOTAL: $320,288

Current Debt:
Mortgage: $141,521
Home Equity Loan: $42,128
Auto Loan: $10,892
Discover Card: $0
Bank of America $0
TOTAL: 

TOTAL NET WORTH: $125,747

Goals:  all the most obvious stuff: save more, spend less. Live better. Be free. 

Is Voluntary Simplicity For Us?

What do I want more than stuff?  What can make me stop buying things I don't really want?  What can put me in a place where I no longer want material stuff because there is something I want and desire even more?

There is supposed to be a difference between  voluntary simplicity and deprived simplicity and I am on a mission to find this balance.  I am reading "Voluntary Simplicity" by Duane Elgin and I am only on page 33.  I can usually thumb through books pretty quickly but this is one that needs to be absorbed.  Thought about.  Pondered.  I find myself putting it down to think about a passage I just read.  I love this book because it's not about living a simpler life and forcing yourself to meager conditions, it's about wanting a simpler life and being happy with the way things already are.  

I read this quote today by Mahatma Gandhi:  "If you were to give it up (referring to material stuff and money) in a mood of self-sacrifice or out of a stern sense of duty, you would continue to want it back, and that unsatisfied want would make trouble for you.  Only give up a thing when you want some other condition so much that the thing no longer has any attraction for you."

So, what do I want more than stuff I can buy or acquire?  I set the book down and thought about this.  What do I want more than anything?  And the answer came to me:

I want my husband home.  I want him here with us.  That's it.  That's all I want.  It's what he wants too.  To be able to be home more and still provide us with our comfortable standard of simple living.  To be a family, a team more than we already are.  Less time at work, more time here.  

Pretty simple and nothing material about it.  Now Universe, I put it out there.  Help me make it happen.